Social Skydiving Day 10: First Rejection

Exhaling

I'm so tired. Between work, school, and social skydiving I am more exhausted than I've been in a very long time. It's funny that it's also the most alive I've felt too.

My insight to socializing is that I look to explore everything I find interesting in the world. Too often fear guides me and I avoid everything, whether or not I truly want to. I've noticed that the only thing I've really been doing differently is allowing myself to look for and explore the people I find. I can't quite articulate it. It's a problem who's solution has been to focus more outward and less inward. Yeah I think that captures it as well as possible.

Anyway, today I had to face some of those fears I've been avoiding and I find that I'm still standing afterwards.

Facing Fears

Today on the morning bus I felt calm. My eyes were open to possibilities but not searching for them. On top of this, I was so exhausted it was difficult to muster energy for much anxiety. I sat alone a fair portion of the ride which I was admittedly a bit happy about since I was a little nervous. I took out a book to read (How to Prove It, which is an awesome book btw) and kept my attention on it. Usually people sit down next to me more often when I'm absorbed in a book. They probably think I'm too busy to talk to them. HA. Suckers. ;)

Finally a woman takes the bait. I look up just as she's approaching my seat we make eye contact and it just seems natural for her to sit so she does. Odd how things like that play out, huh? She had nothing to do except to stare straight ahead and I sat waiting for something interesting to occur.

There was a man sitting with a woman directly across from the two of us. As the bus pulled up to the next stop the man stood up and began to walk towards the exit, leaving behind a baseball cap. Now mind you, he's already got one on his head to boot. The woman left behind in the seat is just looking at the hat somewhat perplexed and calls out to him "Sir! Is this your hat?" He walks a pace or two towards her to try to understand what she's asking.. says no, he's wearing his hat.

So now I'm confused. He was sitting on a baseball cap the whole time he was on the bus? You'd think he'd have moved it or mentioned it to the woman before he sat on it in case it was hers. But maybe I'm crazy, I start thinking... Until a woman passenger walks up to the seat to claim the open space and rest a bit. Before she can even sit down though, she notices the hat and asks the woman still sitting if it's hers! So now I KNOW that guy just had no nerve endings or something.

This whole time the woman sitting next to me is just as intrigued as I am in the goings on. So I ask her "So was that guy just sitting on that hat the whole time he's been on the bus or what?" Her reply was "Heh." and an unflinching gaze straight ahead of her. I'm a bit shocked as I haven't ran into such a reaction during this whole experiment. Unsure how to take it, I take it as a signal to STFU and do so accordingly.

Looking Back on It

In hindsight, I may have taken her reaction the wrong way. I should have clarified with her that she was preoccupied just to be sure I wasn't wussing out. But I kinda was.

I reopened my book and let her alone. It was a mixed blessing as I really didn't feel like talking to anyone. Then again, it's possible that I sealed my own fate and got back what I was giving. I accept that I was probably in the wrong frame of mind to be at this. Either way I'm glad I stuck to it.

I had other interactions today that were much more positive but this is the important one that will stick with me. This is my first more blatant rejection and it really didn't hurt. It was akin to going to the dentist. Yeah, I'd prefer to not have anyone screw with my teeth and drill holes but the pain is momentary and the benefits are life long.

Jul 03, 2009

Trevor Rotzien said...

Here's a thought on perceived "rejection": We all suffer from a narcissism that isn't only destructive when we act irresponsibly selfish, but also when we assume the worst about others reactions to us. Remember your point about we can’t read minds? Yet we automatically infer so many assumed internal states of others - it’s crazy, given the paucity of actual data. The narcissism fits into perceived rejection when we say “they obviously reacted that way because of me”. It is often a case of spurious correlation. In your example of the bus, the girl may have simply been socially timid in general, weirded-out by the hat episode (not intrigued), and her receptors had been turned to “no more inputs!” just before you made your comment. Or you reminded her of this ex she still hates, or her brother, or a teacher, or who knows?

The point is: there is no relationship between your worth/attractiveness as a person, and someone else’s ability to converse with you at any given moment. There are too many variables to assume even their _intent_ of rejecting you. Intentional rejection is usually spelled out very plainly, and is only even close to certain if the person rejecting you, _actually knows who you are_. So, at least in my semantics, it’s not possible for a stranger to reject you as an individual. You’re little more than an idea of “a guy” to them (until they become more than strangers).

Social Skydiving with Justin

Social Skydiving Day 10: First Rejection

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