Social Skydiving with Justin

Sweet. I love how your experiences provoke my thoughts and I learn and grow along with you! From your epiphany I would take away the knowledge that, it's awesome to seek out social interaction, however, even more awesome is to gain a sense for those opportunities best suited for the interaction. Of course this leaves room to cop-out or skip many interactions with the reason of 'nah that wasn't the most prime opportunity'. But it makes it a challenge to not only be able to start talking to anyone (which can end up being a negative) but to recognize people who need you to talk to them. Hmmmm...much food for thought. The realization to socialize for non-selfish reasons is huge. I think about my own interactions with people and ask, Do I only interact when I am getting a benefit? Can I interact with the intent to meet a need of the other person? Or at least, leave them with a something positive in the end? Awesome. Lovin this.

A while back, I floored a more outgoing friend when I said (generally, not to them specifically): "Don't expect of others what they cannot give you." She (who was more that a bit manipulative at times) said she hadn't expected to learn anything from me, but that she found this compelling.

Your post reminded me of this. If you approach a person with no expectation beyond what they are willing and wish to provide, I think often things go more smoothly. If this is an honest approach, often it conveys itself (non-verbally), and they feel more relaxed and willing to converse.

If you have an unvoiced agenda (e.g. this person is really cute; what could I say to get them to go out with me?), often that will likewise convey itself, and they will quickly grow uncomfortable. Note that, in this example, it's not noticing that they are cute that is the problem; it is assuming that they will want to go out with you.

(Addendum: Or, restated, that there is a way, if only you can find it, to get them to go out with you. To "make" them go out with you. Be particularly aware of and concerned about the last; you are drifting well into the territory of manipulation.)

But if we never assume that, how do we ever get a date? I think that's where the "mind reading" kicks in. Only it's not mind reading, it's intuition. And intuition is not magic; it's just perception and thought that occurs outside of our conscious reasoning. If s/he thinks you are cute, too, that engagement will start to communicate itself and you will get " a vibe". Maybe you'll also notice, later if not right away, that they took *both* pods out of their ears. Turned to face you. Smiled, of their own accord and spontaneously.

But it happens while something else is going on. And in that something else, you don't expect anything of them beyond what they can and are willing to give you. Whether it's conversation on the bus, or collaboration at work, or a good game of whatever.

Be in the moment. Don't think about some hypothetical future. Especially, don't make such thoughts your primary thoughts. You'll trip, because you're not looking at where you're walking.

Thanks Shane! and thanks to Recycled Electron... Very well put. You really fleshed out a lot of the concepts that I touched on. I really appreciate that deeper more thoughtful perspective.

Might I suggest that you stop being so afraid of talking to someone with a ring on their finger? They are just another person, and you are just striking up a conversation, which is no where near trying to violate their relationship commitments. Just talk to them like the regular person that they are. If, for some reason, they feel like you are coming on too strong, they will probably show you their ringed finger, or obviously make mention their significant other. No biggie, just keep it cool.

SierraNevadan- Totally true. I build it all up way too much and over think it. That's really what I'm trying to get to. Just talk relax, things that happen aren't a personal slight. Whether You keep talking or don't, if it ends up going somewhere or doesn't, whatever. It's really just the flow of the river and being hurt or feeling slighted because a person doesn't want to talk is just as pointless as being angry at the river for flowing a different direction.

So much of social adeptness is based in a strong sense of personal responsibility. I can't control the reactions of others, but I can decide how to react to them. I can make the offer, but I can't demand any particular reaction. I can interact selfishly, and not get what I wanted. I can also interact generously (however I might define that) and the other person may not accept my "gift". I find it an interesting challenge to balance self-interest with acceptance. A key realization is that no-one "owes" you anything; we grant what we choose to. In spite of that, generosity bears more fruit that unqualified selfishness.

Your comment implies that your writing is of low quality. I beg to differ; I had fun reading through it all.