Social Skydiving Day Five: Good Day with a Call for Suggestions
30 days of engaging in genuine conversation with strangers. Dear god no. (Inspired by Brad Bollenbach)
My Brothers!
Today I went to my monthly Alt.NET meeting. These meetings typically consist of fellow code monkeys and i geeking out on talking about coding and designing code. I was counting on there being at least one new person there that I could talk to. I was not disappointed.
Maybe I'm alone here but to me it is *much* easier to talk to strangers when your friends are already talking to them. I mean you can basically just ride on their coat tails right? You're friend makes a funny joke and the stranger laughs well now you laugh and BAM! You're a part of the conversation. Well technically right? I mean that is pretty cheap but if that's better than you normally do then good for you! Keep makin those baby steps and it'll be so easy that you think it's cheap in no time. By the way, no time may be equivalent to a year or two given my track record but still! It won't get better until you decide to take the first step.
Ok so I'm saying all of this because this is basically what I walked into when I arrived at the meeting today. I know most of the people and so the three or four people I didn't know were just way too easy to talk to. Someone asked me if I was doing my social skydiving for the day (since they must see my daily tweets that shout out when the latest blog post is done). I told the whole group, "You know what, if I don't know you expect to be a part of my social skydiving experiment!" I was totally serious since I really felt the need to push myself a little more than I had so far today. Social Cliques
At lunch we all walked to a local sandwich shop and sat down to eat. I decided to sit near one end of the table and was one of the first to sit down. As it turned out most of the people I knew clumped around me, which made sense. We're all comfortable with one another and it's great to just have an easy chat. Before my food arrived at the table however I knew this wasn't going to work for me. Not this month.
I noticed most of the new guys were sitting at the other end of the table and there was a spot I could occupy. I wanted to earn my wings for the day so I made the decision to move and start up a conversation on that end of the table. This has always been painful for me. I've had to work my ass off in order to really get to know these people and be able to have this comfortable lunch and discussion. That's like the prize for having friends right? Being able to dig a rut for yourself and stop having to put yourself out there? That's how I used to view it but I'm thinking that's gonna be changing after this whole experiment is "over".
So I get up and a lil nervously walk over to the other side of the table, reminding myself that no one can read my mind. That if I decide to move across the table to sit next to someone and talk to them, then its very easy to take that as a compliment that I want to get to know that person better. In my mind, that's what it is in fact.
So I sit down next to this guy at the far end of the table... and I would totally call out his name but I suck with names! I know he lives in Everett and rides the train in every day. Oh well maybe I shouldn't be identifying people anyway! :D
So I sit next to this guy and ask him how he's doing. Typical small talk, "Good." "Good." "Where do you work" "I work at ..." "What do they do?" "They do..." yadayadayadayadayadayada. No offense to him at all! I mean this is small talk! By definition this is all inconsequential blabber. For those of you who don't know how to make small talk you are SO not alone! I mean it's SO pointless. I'm not going to learn much about you at all from talking small. The point of it that I've learned though is that it's a way of feeling someone out. What are their interests? What do they enjoy? Is there anything this person might be able to share with me that will help me grow? Do they do anything fun I'd like to be a part of? Etc.
Finally we get on the subject of Atlas Shrugged. I just read this book and so I've been seeing a lot of what Ayn Rand discusses in the book just all over the place. It's been an awesome perspective to consider. I'm not really sure what got us on the subject... I probably just brought it up since I've been obsessed with the damn thing for a while now.
I should probably also point out that discussions like the one I was about to have are NOT typically small talk. Atlas Shrugged has some fairly controversial views on Capitalism, Buddhism, religion, homelessness, and many other things. The same way you should avoid politics and religion as topics of conversation so should you avoid discussing this book! It can quite often lead to a heated discussion over how cold you are to even consider alternate points of view. Beware.
Our talk wasn't like this however. I think as much credit as I might deserve this guy deserves twice that for I'm sure he was doing his own deft maneuvering during the discussion to keep it interesting yet not explosive. I didn't actually realize the risk I was taking until sitting down right now to type this. **shrugs** By gones.
We had a solid discussion and I know feel very much at ease with discussing things with him in the future.
Goals for Tomorrow
Tomorrow I'm planning on taking my dog to the dog park. There should be plenty of opportunities to talk to many people while I'm there. I'm thinking I'd like to have a nice long conversation like I did at lunch today but of course away from the comfort of my friends. That will make it more difficult but it's definitely very much a possibility.
I'm trying to think about what I can do to raise the bar on my goal setting since this is starting to seem a little too easy (ie. no more cold sweats). We'll see how tomorrow goes. If it's another fairly chill day where I easily accomplish my goal I'll be looking for suggestions on what I can do to up the ante. I've been racking my brain and it's difficult to think of goals that aren't too large or too small.
Heck! I'll even take your goal suggestions right now. If you can think of any kind of goal that you think would be a challenge I'd love you to post a comment so I take them into consideration and find the best idea that suits me.
Comments (4)
Jun 27, 2009
Suggestions? Okay, here goes... In earlier posts you often seemed anxious about girls thinking you were flirting with them when you weren't trying to. What if you started trying? (I'm assuming you don't have a girlfriend, if you do ignore this post.) Tons of people who consider themselves less socially challenged than yourself have dating anxiety, so it seems like the logical next step. A (relatively) practical application for your new skills, if you will. I guess dating could really be substituted with any social situation that makes people anxious, since overcoming anxiety is the experiment's ultimate goal.
Jun 27, 2009
MattValerio said...
Ok, here's a suggestion, certainly not for Sunday, but for next week at work - what about making it a point to talk to someone you don't know that's in a completely different department? Many times making connections like that can be very beneficial, especially for getting news and seeing other folk's perspective. Too often the "code monkeys" (myself included) get a bad rap for being more introverted than everyone else.
Jun 27, 2009
Justin Bozonier said...
Aww geez. Flirting? Sigh. Can't that be like a different 30 day challenge devoted to just that? **Sigh**Valid point. The fact I REALLY **REALLY** don't want to is just further evidence that I should I guess.
Matt... You also have a good idea that's been somewhat of a goal of mine too. I'll definitely work on making progress on that front.
Jul 01, 2009
Trevor Rotzien said...
"no more cold sweats" Awesome! Try the Bene Gesserit's Litany Against Fear:
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
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