Social Skydiving Day Four: Back in the Saddle
What a Day!
Wow day four! I'm really surprised that I made it through this week with so much progress. After getting back on the social bandwagon for the day and learning from yesterday's mistakes I have a renewed energy. I'm sure that's due, in part at least, to the supportive feedback I've been getting from everyone. So thank you for everyone who's commented be it via posted comments, IM, Twitter, etc.
I'm going to go over the happ's from today and then I want to talk a bit about some things I've discovered about myself partly on my own and partly due to the comments of an old friend.
Psyching Myself Out First Thing in the Morning
I woke up this morning extra early without the jarring of my alarm clock. That always makes me feel refreshed and alive. An early morning where I wake myself. The air is crisp, the sun is beautiful, and, for once, the sky is clear (ish). As I inhale I can see the beautifully lush green trees on the scent of the breeze and my mind is crystal clear, like a still lake amidst it all. The view is vivid in my mind. A couple drops fall from the sky. A marvelous assortment of shapes form in the once still water as the droplets begin to cascade upon the lake. I love the rain and I whole-heartedly enjoy this. The water is beginning to churn, however. Frothy waves lick at the sky and disturb the air with their hissing. Like whips cracking against the now black night, the fearful masters demand the attention of their slave. Eventually I look up to find it isn't the rain that has fallen, but the sunny sky. Though but crumbles at first, those crumbles gained the momentum to shift ever larger shards from their place eventually leading to the entire destruction of my peace and quiet.
I lost track of my mind. I left myself to get so caught up in the excitement and hope I had for the day that I lost sight of my purpose. A man on a mission but without purpose can only seek chaos. I remembered how I felt the night before and stood my ground.
I repaired the sky with a few simple words. "Talking is a compliment." The waves calmed as though I had pierced the heart of the storm and let in the light of the sun with that very same stroke. Some of the larger pieces needed a bit more repair. I was able to heal them with the words "The worst case is a compliment is given. In the best case a compliment is received."
I'm done with that departure from my normally less eccentric style. I wanted to illustrate how I normally lose my mindfulness and simultaneously my control over my fears. Normally it starts with a day dream rooted in confidence and strength but then a lil tear in the seams happens except that it doesn't seem like a terrible thing... just different. I actually enjoy letting my thinking get away from me, fantasizing about everything I'll do with my new found powers of interpersonal communication. All of this fantasizing though, it ends up defeating me in the end. Rather than getting anxious for what I will be and thus deprecating the person I am now, I should be appreciative of myself. Understanding of the gentle balance that exists within my personality. To change one thing is to change everything about me as I am a whole and no one part of me is perfectly modular from the rest by definition.
Rather than wish I am someone different and causing turmoil, I can seek to balance myself. They seem the same but there is a subtle difference the likes of plastic surgery versus combing my hair and dressing nicely. One is a potentially invasive and biologically jarring manipulation of my body and the other is a matter of hygiene and grooming.
Yeah it was a REALLY heavy morning but I finally got my head out of the clouds and into repeating those two phrases to myself. It helped me feel much better through out the day.
Part of the late for the bus crewAfter making it through the morning and getting ready for work early I left the house and headed for the bus. I had forgot something (ironically I forget what) and thought for a moment about turning back to get it. I think I left my house at around 7am-ish and knew that the bus should be to the stop any time now and I didn't want to miss it because then I'd have to wait another ten minutes. I mean I'm excited to start the day! Let's go, y'know? So I decide F that and rush my lil tookas down the stairs and out the car port.
I get about a 1/4 of the way there and I see the bus flying past me. DOH. So I'm forming a strategy, do I run do I saunter? No point in running if I'm going to miss it. Also, if I run the bus driver might wait extra long and delay the people inside which wouldn't be fair. So I saunter.
A second later I see some other guy running for the bus... I think that he *might* delay the bus enough that'd it be worth my running... Then a second guy is dashing across the street trying to make the bus! Now I've gotta bolt! So I run like hell and catch the bus. Everyone inside is laughing and a few people comment that they knew we'd all make it. Needless to say this was a pretty easy environment to get some talks going in.
Really I didn't have to do much which felt a lil cheap but I was happy to get today's goal out the way so easily when yesterday's was so painful. The guy who had ran across the street was a major talker! At one point he stopped talking so I told him "If it weren't for you I wouldn't have made it." That sets him off talking for almost the entirety of his bus ride! He's talking to everyone joking, cutting people off... BTW I love people who commandeer the conversation when I feel like not talking. It's awesome to just put myself in autopilot and let them lead the way. I nod my head and laugh a few times to remain an active part of the group and finally when he dies down we all have had a pretty good time.
My Mindset
I'm feeling awesome at this point. After the crap I went through yesterday today was a breeze. I'm ready to talk to anybody. As I walk through the streets I find myself looking at other people half-expectantly and half-challenging. "I dare you to talk to me! You'll enjoy it MOFO!" I see attractive women and I'm not afraid to look at them and lock eyes.
Anything more than that frightens me however, so I might seem semi-stalker like. **shrugs** Baby steps.
Cute Chick at the Elevator
Then on my way to get lunch I see this cute chick waiting for the elevator.
I had a lil butterfly in my stomach honestly but I worked through it with the help of that book I got last night and a couple of others that I perused at the book store. I remembered that she doesn't know that I'm nervous. No one can tell! Just don't pee in your pants or vomit, those are dead give-aways (I've heard!). I'm remembering I can't assume they know what I'm thinking and I shouldn't assume I know what they're thinking. If a woman walks up to you and talks to you I guarantee you're not thinking she's shy. If she talks a lil weird I would bet that most of us would be so damn flattered we wouldn't even notice (might even think it was a bit cute). Even if I wasn't interested in the woman I wouldn't think less of her. You know why? Because all she did was give me a compliment. She flattered my ego. I'm thinking "Thanks babe!" not "How lame!"
Anyway-
She's not exactly a stranger. I've seen around as long as I've worked here but usually my talking consists mainly of noises and drool. I'm joking of course but not by much. There was actually one time where an elevator door opening with her on the other side so unexpectedly left me stuttering and blushing and trying to form a cohesive sentence. I was on the phone at the time and I was literally so flustered that I forgot that I had my ear bud in and just stuttered while trying to form cohesive sentences.
Now contrast that to me calmly and cooly asking her "You going to lunch now?" she says yeah, asks the same of me. I say "Yeah! I'm friggin hungry!" she chuckles and asks where Im going to eat and I tell her I'm going to this certain sandwich shop. We both try to think of the name but can't do it. I say, "I don't what their name is but they make great sandwiches. I'm so hungry." I ask her where she's gonna eat or if she's just gonna go for a walk. She says she's gonna go sit outside. I say it sounds like a good idea, and that it's really nice when the sun is out. She agrees but she's not sure if the sun is out right now. I tell emphatically and kinda goofily tell her I think it is but I'm not sure since I basically have to stick my head out the window and look through my boss' door to see the window. She laughs a lil more and by this time other people have got on the elevator and in between us so the convo is essentially dead. Also, I think she might be married (I *think* I saw a ring once) so I tend to not want to tread on that.
Overall though, this was awesome.
A Little Honesty
I realized I have a kind of mild form of Social Anxiety Disorder yesterday while at the book store. I think I wrote that in yesterday's post... Anyway, one of the elements of this is a tendency to be self-absorbed. I am totally self-absorbed. The only reason why my friends *might* not think that is that I try VERY hard to compensate.
But I mean really think about it. If I walk into a crowded room I instantly feel uncomfortable like all of the attention is focused on me. Is that really a fear or is it a narcissistic lust for popularity disguised as a fear? I think they are two extreme manifestations of the same internal disease. How do you solve it? I dunno! I have the same problem! :D
I think that's more of a personal thing for you to decide. My focus is on more of a Buddhist approach. I see the issue as really being an overemphasis on blaming external stimuli on what I perceive as the problems with the world. IMO, what it really is is my own lack of desire to accept reality as is and my insistence on rationalizing my desires on top of reality and causing torment through this attachment to my fantasy. Ultimately, it's about balancing perfectly on the head of a pin and the only to get there is to first realize that you're on the head of a pin and then realize that you are human and that you cannot do that perfectly.
For me, I find this rings true as I feel like I'm at my strongest when I'm not trying to take attention or get conversation from anyone. I am at my best when I feel as though I am giving a compliment and taking time to be kind. It's a mind trick but the difference between the two is stark for me. When I am trying to take I am being needy and I am weak due to my reliance on this external dependency (needing social acceptance). When I am giving, I am strong and centered because I can keep myself afloat while helping others as well.
Hopefully that whole thing makes some sense. I'm not editing this. As I've said before, I write one of these every day and it already takes an hour or two as it is. I can clarify in the comments if need be.
See you all tomorrow! :)
