Social Skydiving Day Three: My Own Biggest Obstacle- Me.
In a Word: FAIL
Today I failed. Not because I was rejected by someone but because I rejected myself. I think everything had been going so good that I kind of built up my expectations for today and made them nigh insurmountable. I tried a couple times to talk to a couple people and both were false starts. Well here... we'll start from the beginning of the day.
Strike One: Cop Out
So I sit there reading my book trying so hard to think of something to say. I see that she's reading about the current economic crisis but I've got nothing. I'm feeling like a dull twit. At this point I'm trying to convince myself that if there's no ice breaker it's because she isn't interesting enough. Lies all lies I know. But I lie to myself long enough to whittle away the trip and miss a pretty good opportunity. She gets off the bus and I miss what will turn out to be my best opportunity for a conversation all day.
I didn't make any move to talk to anyone else until I got on the bus to come home.
Strike Two: Too Busy and Too Cute
So the one goal that I did manage to accomplish for the day was to sit next to the most attractive person on the bus even if there were other seats available. Honestly, this is a pretty big deal for me. I'm happy with my progress here and it showed me that it isn't a big deal at all. Helped to humanize her a bit.
Not enough however. When I first sit down next to her she's on the phone and has some papers out. She seems as though she's talking to her boyfriend or friend about something personal since she quiets down once I sit down. When she gets off the phone I look at her and say sorry for intruding and that I hope I didn't invade her space. She's says it's cool it doesn't bother her and that's that.
Yeah I let it stand there. No follow up. When it's finally her stop, she gets off the bus and heads along to where ever it is she's going.
What stopped me from doing well here? I felt very negative towards myself and just imagined all the worst things she might think about me if I were to try and talk to her, especially now that I know she has a boyfriend. I felt way too guilty and ashamed. That's what did me in. We'll talk more on this later on.
Strike Three: No Hablo Ingles
So still on the bus on my way home and this big guy who looks Mexican sits next to me. He's huge (muscular not the flabby kind). I'm afraid if I piss him off he'll snap me in to with just his glare. Ultimately I decide, screw it I'm gonna try to start a conversation here. I tell him, his bracelet is cool and ask him where he got it. He looked at me like I tried to swipe it from off his arm and said "huh?" And I said "Your bracelet, where'd you get it?" He says it's from Honduras (no doubt where he is from too). Then I think he said something about being a tourist but really he might've just repeated Honduras again. I don't know and by this time I was not about to struggle through a conversation with someone who doesn't even speak english.
Take Aways
That's where I stopped. I went to the bookstore with the intent of talking to someone but by then I was just gripped with way too much fear to make any real progress. I ended up finding what seems like it will be a pretty good book for me. It's on anxiety and covers Social Anxiety Disorder as well.
What's awesome about this book is the author has you make a list of your perceptions of what's going on in a social situation and then he has you list what is the rational perception. Here's a quick example.
Where I fear introducing myself to someone because I feel like I need to be entertaining and not boring a rational perspective might be, he/she will probably just appreciate someone taking an interest in them.
There's a whole list of these and they had me laughing at how ridiculous I am for being so overtly negative about myself. If someone thinks I'm a freak for talking to them and being attracted to them, WTH does that say about them!? I think it's important to remember that if someone does think you're flirting (whether or not you really are) the worst thing they could rationally think is to take it as a compliment. I don't have a hard time complimenting anyone any other time. Why should I here?
Then there's that nagging fear of rejection right? Other people seeing someone else turn you away. Think about how you feel about someone who handles rejection gracefully. I'm just impressed because I wish I would've had the gusto to do the same thing he did!
I'll be reading this new book and keeping this all in mind tomorrow.
One Last Thing
I know I started this post off by saying I failed, but that isn't really the case. What really happened today is that anyone reading this who thought I was doing so well there is no way I'm an introvert, you now know that's wrong. If everyday was a success I wouldn't need an intensive goal like this to make a change. I would already have been doing this and every day I'd have my goal done and I wouldn't be the least bit stressed about it.
Honestly, this is *very* hard for me. I am stressed out every morning when I wake up and every night before bed. Worse yet, I know that whatever happens I'm going to blog it that same day. Worse still, I've got no time to edit these posts since I have to do one a day, so there's even some social anxiety regarding my writing style and skills to all of you. By all of you I'm referring to the 500 or so unique visitors to just yesterday's article alone. It's like social anxiety squared.
Given all of that, I know that I'm making great progress and I still feel like this will be a positively life altering experience. I'm anxious for what tomorrow brings and I'm working really hard to make that anxiety into excitement. :)
